Our ongoing list of what ruins an otherwise good hotel. In no particular order. We keep adding.

Most travel writing is about the hotels we love. This is the other column. It started as a notes-app file two years ago, and it is the only list we update consistently. No ranking. No endpoint. If you have ones we've missed, send them.

The pre-arrival questionnaire they then ignore

Pillow type. Bath temperature. Allergies. Sparkling or still. You answer it carefully. You arrive. The fridge has the wrong water. The bed has the feather pillows. The welcome snack is the one food you flagged. Your dinner has garlic in it - which you are allergic too.

FAKE SCENTS

Any hotel that plugs in an Aroma360 machine to "brand" the arrival - just no! Stop trying to hide the real smell. Aman pumps nothing. Belmond pumps nothing. Four Seasons uses scent in the spa, where it belongs.

The fee sheet at check-in

You booked at one rate. The receptionist slides a printed sheet across the desk with a resort fee, a destination fee, a wifi fee, and a "housekeeping gratuity." On the Vegas Strip in 2026, the average is $42.36 a night. Caesars is $55. Wynn is $62.36 with tax. Every MGM is $50. The fee allegedly covers "local phone calls" and "gym access." Nobody asked.

The signed zero at breakfast

Your rate includes breakfast. They hand you a slip to sign for the $0 charge. Why?

Room tech designed by someone who has never slept

The bedside tablet that runs the TV, the curtains, the do-not-disturb sign and the front door, with a thirty-second startup animation each time. Voice control that won't speak to an Australian accent. A light switch labelled with six icons nobody recognises. A door that needs an app. It is 11pm. We want to turn off the light. That flashing red-light on the old phone that you have a voicemail! A lot of money has been spent on making that harder.

No plug by the bed

If there was a plug, somebody on the team would have slept in the room. Old iPod docks too - that is a mess!

A noisy fridge

The minibar fridge that wakes you at 3am with a compressor that sounds like a motorboat. Silent compressors have existed for well over a decade. At $1,200 a night, this is unacceptable.

Loud corridors

The drunk wedding party at 2am. The trolley at 6am. The slammed door at 7am. Serious hotels insulate for sleep. A surprising number of European five-stars put the soundproofing budget into the lobby chandelier.

Anything laminated

The menu. The welcome letter. The in-room binder. Laminated means it never changes, it is wiped down with bleach, and nobody is writing anything new for the guest.

The triple-pump shower wall

In 2019 Marriott replaced single-use bottles with wall-mounted pumps. Hilton, IHG and Hyatt followed. The sustainability story is real (Marriott alone keeps roughly 500 million mini bottles a year out of landfill), but Aman, Rosewood, Bvlgari and the Peninsula kept the small bottles, because their maths on luxury still says the guest wins. A five-star with a triple wall-pump has made the sustainability swap for reasons that aren't sustainability.

The wrapped bar of soap

Open it. Use it once. Housekeeping throws it in the bin. Nobody lives like this at home. Give us a refillable hand wash. Your sustainability page is right next to the page charging $38 for water.

The $38 bottled water

Water is cheap. Water is on tap in every five-star on earth. Charging $20 for a bottle of Evian. We will never pay for water.

Decorative throws and pillows that have never been washed

The thing across the bottom of the duvet. The six velvet pillows stacked against the headboard. Never laundered. Never will be. Thrown on the floor by everyone on arrival. Why are they there at all.

Slippers for a three-year-old

A white pair sits by the bed. Size six. We are a size twelve.

A suite with nowhere to hang a shirt

You booked a suite at $2,000 a night. You brought luggage, because you are a human on a trip. The closet is one rail with six hangers, four of them theft hooks that don't come off. Where do the clothes go. Build a closet.

The pillow menu

Firm. Soft. Buckwheat. Swan down. Memory foam. Water-filled. Lumbar. Body-length. A hotel that has mistaken the appearance of hospitality for the thing itself. The best hotels in the world have one pillow per guest, and it is the right one, because the housekeeper who made the bed has worked the floor for nineteen years and can read a reservation.

The price that isn't the price

Rate is $800. Final bill $1,250. Resort fee, destination fee, service charge, city tax, occupancy tax, "energy surcharge," linen levy, wifi fee, tip on the tip. Put the price on the price.

The list continues

This file gets longer every month. Email us with yours. If we add it, we credit you.

Bad shower pressure

Good hotels save the water bill differently

A bath-shower with a curtain

Unforgivable in 2026

No Japanese toilet

Baseline, not luxury.